


unlovable

by colderthancold



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: F/F, Light Angst, ends fine, self hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 05:32:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16443827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colderthancold/pseuds/colderthancold
Summary: about believing one's not worthy.





	unlovable

But because she was that incredible Rin felt even worse. She had always been like that; ‘I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve that’. That was the only trait Rin had that made Hanayo lose it and mad. ‘You do deserve it, Rin-chan’ she always said. ‘You really do’. But it didn’t make sense to Rin. She had always been hardheaded and with that topic she was even worse. She just couldn’t understand it— she, Hoshizora Rin, being worthy of something or someone. It just couldn’t get into her mind.

But even if she believed she was worthy of her, it didn’t seem possible. As she watched Umi pull the string of her bow and take a deep breath she realized she would always be too much for her to handle. Rin felt as if she didn’t have what it took to be Umi’s something. She sighed and kept on hugging her legs, trying to shrink herself and finally become invisible.

Hanayo didn’t know about her crush on Umi. She didn’t know she had fallen for her, that is. Rin didn’t want to tell her because she knew she’d ask her why she hadn’t confessed yet and that she’d be angry if she told her it was because of her self-esteem. She knew Hanayo would stop talking to her for a day (which was a lot) and that she’d make her realize, once again, that hating oneself isn’t normal. But as Rin liked to say— she didn’t hate herself but thought of herself as little. Hanayo said that that was self-depreciating still but Rin had gotten used to it and honestly, she didn’t think it was bad nor wrong (which made Hanayo lose her mind).

When bow and arrow practice ended and Rin ran away fast. She didn’t want Umi to see her.

 

* * *

 

When Maki was the one that asked Rin started to worry. It wasn’t like Maki didn’t care, but she didn’t like getting on other’s people business and tried to stay on the margin of situations.

“Rin, you seem off.”

It was a Monday. Hanayo was sick and Rin was feeling bluer than usual. She looked at Maki and tried to smile. It was an honest smile, but it didn’t shine.

“Ah, Maki-chan! I’m just tired. Didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, nya.” She said. She tried to sound okay and carefree and like herself but she could see that Maki didn’t believe her. Her eyes were full of worry and her eyebrows were making a weird shape. Rin would’ve found it funny in another situation.

“Yeah, sure.” Was her answer. “If you need anything… I’m right here, I guess. You can count on me.” Maki left and Rin was speechless. She had never heard Maki speaking like that. It was different. Not bad. Just different.

 

* * *

 

Umi, in her eyes, was perfect because she was imperfect.

It made sense in Rin’s mind. She was perfect because even though she had some flaws she was still the best version of herself she could be. She was always noble and had an unbreakable honor and she was respectful and responsible and always tried to improve herself because she was humble. And Rin loved that.

Rin could feel the stars in her own eyes when Umi did whatever. She truly was in love with her. At first, she thought she just admired her, but then the butterflies came into her stomach and made her freak out. And one faithful day she wished to kiss Umi’s lips and take off. Because it gets like that, sometimes. You just wish of flying with your loved one because life’s like that.

And because life is like that Rin couldn’t be with her.

 

* * *

 

“I know how you feel.” Hanayo said, suddenly. Rin almost dropped her cup of tea. She knew what Hanayo was talking about.

“What do you mean, nya?” But of course she wouldn’t give up. She had to play dumb for a second or two.

“Rin-chan, I know how you feel about Umi-chan.” She said. Rin sighed. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I just… You’ve been so low, lately, and I-I just want to help you.” Rin remained quiet because she didn’t know what to say. Hanayo was as caring as always and she felt selfish.

“I-I don’t know if you wa-wanted me to know and I don’t know if you want my-my help but—” She was speaking faster than usual and her eyes were avoiding her. Rin could feel her nervousness and wanted to hold her hand. “But I just want you to be ha-happy, Rin-chan.”

And Rin cried. And Hanayo did, too.

 

* * *

 

She had picked daisies because they were her favorite. She had picked all of them. The beautiful ones and the small ones and the big ones and the broken ones— she would’ve felt like shit if she didn’t pick all of them. After all, she knew what being left out felt like.

Rin waited for Umi next to the lovers’ wall. The lovers’ wall was a place where all the girls of their school wrote hearts with their initials and their partner’s there. Some of them also wrote the year when they started dating, so there was evidence of couples that were as old as her grandparents. The ground there was dry and the grass tall and yellow. It was an old, almost abandoned part of their school. People used it for one thing only now: confessing.

Her heart wasn’t even beating. It was imploding. She closed her eyes, thought of running. She would’ve given anything for a new pair of kicks and a place to run into. She wanted to hear her own heavy breathing and her kicks against the grass or sand or wet soil or whatever and just run until her legs hurt.

She was thinking about it, about being freed just by running when she heard her.

“Are you okay, Rin?” It was Umi. Rin took a deep breath.

“I-I— Umi-chan!” She bent, the flowers pointing directly at Umi. Her eyes were teary and she scolded herself for making such a big deal out of anything, but at the same time knew she couldn’t help it. She was confessing for the first time and was so nervous she could drop dead. “Umi-chan, I like you! Would you go out with me?” She asked in a fast manner. Her tears were falling.

“Rin.” Umi muttered. Rin looked up. She was crying but her face was as calm as ever. She looked even calmer than usual, actually. Rin didn’t know what was happening and felt her soul leave her body and then hit it with all of its force. Umi was crying. Umi was crying after she confessed, but she was smiling. Umi was crying and she didn’t know why and she was crying too and god this was crazy and— “Of course, Rin. Of course.” Umi said. She closed her eyes and smiled like Rin had never seen her smile before and she felt like that was what meeting your soulmate felt like; looking at their smile and thinking you’ve seen it before and can’t wait to see it again.

“For real?” Rin asked. Umi took the flowers from her hands and tangled one in her hair, which made Rin giggle. She hadn’t giggled for a while.

“For real.” She said. She wasn’t crying anymore and Rin wasn’t wondering why she did either. She supposed it was the same reason why she cried when she broke her hand and won a competition still or like when she won a prize in a poetry competition they made her join. She supposed all people were like that, in the end. She supposed everyone was small in their own eyes.

But when Umi smiled and held her hand and looked at her like that Rin felt the biggest and happiest.

**Author's Note:**

> hey! thanks for reading B^) i hope you liked this story as much as i liked writing it. i'll post next chapter next week. take care, remember to smile and peace out!


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